thoughts in my mind

Today is not your regular Sunday as children run screaming bloody murder through a house that unfortunately echoes too much and I always worry if it bothers the neighbors. Then I just give up and think, if it really bothered them then they would have probably said something by now. I have two younger boys and they are loud loud loud and I can not figure out how to stop the loud noise. It's driving me crazy. They are balls of little energy that seem to be on constant GO. I do crafts with them and reading etc but there are only so many hours in the day and I have recently just sat back and gotten absorbed in the internet. I guess it is sort of my escape from the real world that I currently live in and I can read about others that actually make my life seem ideal because of all the hardships they have and then I feel guilty for being angry in the first place.

Do not get me wrong, I love my life and my family but I just feel like I need to escape. My husband works overseas and there are days that I dislike him because he isn't here helping me. I feel that his job is nothing really compared to all what I have to do and then I feel bitter and then comes the guilt because I know I couldn't survive without the financial support that he is working hard to give to us so that we have a comfortable life. And we do have a comfortable life. I don't have to worry about paying bills or anything and I do not have to live paycheck to paycheck.

Any number of people would probably be so thrilled to have a life like that but unfortunately a huge sacrifice is being made in order to have that type of lifestyle. My husband is not here. We moved to Lebanon because his work takes him to various places but they always have a stopping period here in Lebanon. This is where he is from originally so it just seemed natural to want to be here and we would get to see him a lot more than one time a year had we stayed in the states where I am from.

There are days I want to pack it all up and go home to my mom's and then there are those days I just want to stay here. We will be here in Lebanon 2 years come this June. I have been through a war, a deadly protest, car bombing (the most recent but not anywhere close to me) and who knows what else will happen next. I am drawn to this country not for the conflicts but for the beauty of its people and land. I have more stability here and proper schooling in way of our religion and those provide a comfort for me that I did not have back home.



BUT…I miss the simple little things like being able to understand everyone I speak too. Going to a local store at anytime of night or day. I guess it just me and missing my family. I wonder if it will ever get better. I tried to get involved in things outside but it's hard when you don't speak the language. I should be entering the University in the next few days but still have not heard whether or not I have been accepted. That frustrates me to because in the states it is much more organized. Well, I am off for a bit to go play an online game with some friends. I really am so glad to have found some places that I can visit to get advices and other points of view on things and I am glad to be able to blog about it. Thanks for you time and stay tuned for more from me because I love love love to write. Perhaps I will start a story or something…who knows. Again, I appreciate the new friends I have made online and look forward to many more days to come.